Ask Lauren: The Pre-College Breakup
I received an overwhelming response to my first Ask Lauren post so this will be the first of many responses. Since today's question was pulled from a message that was sent to me privately, she will remain anonymous. Today's topic is a situation that a lot of women face at some point in their lives:
I'm 18 years old, and have been dating this guy off and on since mid-August. We were doing really well lately! I just had my Senior Prom and we had a lot of fun with all our friends both during and after prom. But this week he randomly stopped putting in an effort to talk to me. I was really upset over it, so I talked to him about it. He says that he doesn't want to get back into the whole relationship thing again because we're both going off to college in the fall. He basically said he wants to end it as being "best friends" who hangout a lot and still kiss and what not, but he doesn't want me dating other guys. Do you think I'm just a fling? I don't want to lose our friendship, but I don't really want to be used as his "hook-up" either. I need some sort of advice.
I think this is a situation a lot of couples face when they are about to leave for school (or even a new job) and while it's a hard spot to be in, it is nice that he is being honest with you. He isn't leading you on or pretending to want something he doesn't. He is communicating the type of relationship he is open to and that is exactly what you should do with him: Communicate the type of relation you want. Obviously this is someone you care about if you have been seeing him on and off for 10 months. So it's possible that you won't be happy in a non-committal and more casual relationship with him. If I were in your situation (and I have been before) I would really think about what I wanted and then communicate that to him. I know that sounds much easier than it is, but in the end, it's always best to just be open. No relationship is perfect and everyone needs to do what is right for them, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me.
Do you have any other advice for our girl? If so, share your insights in the comments below.
I'll be answering another one of your Ask Lauren questions soon...
XO Lauren
P.S. There are 3 ways you can submit your questions to me:
- You can also tweet me your questions with the hashtag #AskLauren.
- Leave your question in the comments below.
- Send me a private message via my profile page (there is a "Send Private Message" option located directly beneath my profile photo).
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67 comments
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I know this has nothing to do with this topic at all. i was reading up on this because it may happen to me. But as far as im concerned were staying together and he wants to stay with me.
But my question to you Lauren is, I have the worst case of 'baby hairs'. It is so bad hairspray wont keep it down. I cant wear my hair up without people constantly trying to push it back to my head. I use lotion when I'm desperate and that only a temporary (as in 15 minutes) fix. I cant put a bobby pin in it because it will look tacky and the bobby pin doesn't even keep them down. And even on my best day the only way I'm getting away with having my hair up is at work when i have to wear a visor. If i slick it to the other side it looks like i have a comb over because I have a callic right there. Please fix my hair problem! Thanks Emily-
Apr 29, 2013 at 8:19am0 0I have really bad baby hairs too! So whenever I'm want to put my hair up I actually use an old mascara brush and gel. I use a garnier fructis one, but I think any gel works well. I love using old mascara brushes for all kinds of this because if you just dab on some gel to the cleaned brush and then gently swipe it over where the baby hairs are it pushes them down but without it being super heavy. Just lightly brush it over your hair and voila! I hope this helps!! :Dflag
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long distance relationships are not good right?
my frist boyfriend was in college but i had met him over summer i insisted that it wouldnt end up working out and that i knew what was good for him.. i regret everything and just need to be reasure that i was right and that they dont end up working out -
Dear Lauren,
6 months ago, I got dumped by a guy who was in the US Marines. I loved him dearly and more than anyone I've ever met before. He told me the reason why he left was because he couldn't deal with the distance although we had already dealt with months and months of no communication what-so-ever. I was fine with that reason after a year of being together until I found out that there was another girl involved. He had been cheating on me for a while with another girl who just graduated high school this past year (I am a sophomore in college and my boyfriend is another year older than me-21). They started dating the day he broke up with me and he posted lots of pictures of the two of them together. Naturally, I was absolutely furious and very very hurt because I was by his side writing over 100+ letters to him for 3 months straight and then bought a plane ticket to see him graduate boot camp and flew to SC myself to see him graduate and missed classes! The worst part is, 6 months later, after already being cheated on and lied to, he is married to the girl he left me for. People keep trying to tell me he's not worth my time and is a jerk, but I loved him to death and invested so much into our relationship. Is there anything you can tell me that may help me to get over him? I truly just want to move on because there's no way we're ever getting back together. Thanks! -
Lauren, I just saw you on TMZ. First off, you look absolutely beautiful. Second, I LOVEEEEE the sunglasses you had on that day. Looks like you were at The Grove. I must know the brand and model number if you have. Thanks soooo much!!!
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Hi lauren! I just want to say how humble I think you are and your such an inspirtation to all women out there! p.s I loved all your books! My question is - "how do you confront a situation where your so called bestfriend starts talking about you behind your back but pretends that nothings happened" Talking it out doesn't seem to work as we both seem to avoid each other , most of the time...and to be honest i'm sick of being the one to fix it all. Any tips from you would be greatly appreciated.
On another note! any tips - with boys ; talking to them ...ect
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hi lauren i have an ask lauren question for you first of all your brilliant role model!! i am 25 and the last few years have been tough ive been through alot of mishaps losing friends going abit too wild and gaining pounds so quick i really want to get my act together start working on my future that being my career and my weight do you have any advice for proper weight loss?also i am a drama student in my final year but ive lost the passion for drama i am a writer and a fashion designer (not very good one) ive lost my motivation and im worried il end up a nobody :( thanks for being a inspiration for girls and women everywhere! aimee x -
Hey Lauren!I have a prom coming up and I have no idea what to where! I would like something that covers front and back, covers the shoulders and streches down to the floor. Any ideas? And I live in the UAE, just so that you know. Thx!
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dear lauren im seventeen years old and never had a boyfriend my friends say its because im am way to busy, because i work, go to school, run crosscountry, and am captain of my swim team, mixed with the fear of talking to people and being incredibly soft spoken, they say that im am a wimp.i use to be really confident but now i feel as if im just a face in the hall that nobody notices unless they smack into me. what should i do with college in a few months stay the same and be me or change to make my friends happy?
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Lauren, I am wanting to do something new to my hair for the first time in a long time besides just getting low lights or something else in my blonde hair. I am looking into doing the ombre coloring with mine, but I'm just nervous about doing it. How did you decide to make the jump, and come spring would I just add highlights, or simply make the ombre lighter? Confused about the new hair style, please help!
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I saw this and I actually had a post college break up, and I came up with some tips with how to get over a break up.
http://pinkgoeswitheverything.wordpress.com/2012/08/26/what-to-do-after-a-break-up/
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Hey lauren, how long did it take you to grow your hair long again after you cut it short a few years ago?
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As mentioned before, it's great to be honest with eachother. And you should just consider going off to college another break. You can date other guys and have fun living the college life, but if you're both really special to eachother, you'll find your way back. Good luck! <3
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Personally, I think it's crap that he told you he doesn't want you dating other guys. It just all seems he's creating a "relationship" at his convenience. You should never be someone's convenience. If you wanna be all in, you deserve someone who always wants to be all in. And it doesn't sound like that's what he wants at all. I think you should end it all being "best friends", like he said, but not with all the physical bonuses. Unless you think you can handle all that. You're about to head off to school, and it's going to be such an adventure for you. So, don't fret. Maybe this is your time to just be carefree, worry about yourself, and your friends and family. Then be able to be open to whatever when you leave for school. Good luck.
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Ok here I come:
To this girl and to all girls:
Please understand this: WHY R YOU WORRIED ABOUT A GUY AT YOUR AGE? Seriously focus on school, grades, fashion, in becoming someone that contribute in this country, think about how's your dorm is gonna look. Is so frustrating to see babys looking for boyfriends.
I'm 23 and Im enjoying my life, I'm traveling, blogging, janguing out with no problems with my girl friends at any hour with no one saying "where are you, come here, is late and all that blah blah. ENJOY this stage of life because then, you girls are gonna regret it. A boyfriend is not necessary to feel alive.
Enjoy first and then, look for a guy that is going to HONOR YOU AS A LADY, that you know thet threat his mother, grandman and sister well. A man that treaths a woman with disrespect is a mosquito singing a horrible song near your ears.
Take your time to know a guy BEFORE you open up your heart and save tears and disgusting situations. A relationship is so gorgeous when both are mature, when both know each other well.
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I totally think she should cut off anything physical w/him. For one, even though he's being honest now, she still had to approach him b/c he was going to take the Punk's way out & just ignore her- had she not said anything. Second, if he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore, he has NO say on who you date. He can't have stipulations on your singleness!! WTF is he thinking? He's wanting to have his cake & eat it, too! I feel bad that this girl is even considering this option!
This is why so many of us get into sucky relationships. We [as women] have settled for far too much, as a whole. We can cry all we want about how men treat us poorly, but the fact of the matter is- we've accepted their poor treatment as status quo. By truly just being "Best Friends" with this guy, she'll save herself a lot of heartache.
As women, we tend to fantasize things in our head. We get comfortable-- we might not have everything we want, but it still feels like we're together, so I'm not going to press the issue. I said that to myself a lot, when I was younger, and I lost a lot of time on finding happiness with others. B/c while you're in that position, you're not allowing yourself to heal b/c things feel the same. All the while, your feelings continue or grow deeper & he's off experiencing other girls... NOT A GOOD LOOK.You know that when he's away at college, he's with other girls- that was the ENTIRE reason he broke off your exclusive relationship. Let's not forget, he's the one taking a step back! Totally agree w/Lauren "I wouldn't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me." It's sooo not fair for him to ask you not to see other guys. Don't fall for the double-standard, girl! You're still young enough to save yourself a lot of heartache! Trust me, I'm 31yrs old, and I wish I had someone (like me, lol) to tell me not to settle for bs like this! Good luck, girl!
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I don't neccessarily think that you are a fling or hookup, but stuck in the friend zone, which we have all been in unfortunately. Lauren has some great advice and I think you should go with it and tell him what you want. If he doesn't want the same then he doesn't deserve you!! Good luck to what you decide to do and I know everything will work out for the best :)
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-CassandraAdams Yes thank you, I told him, he is in love with me and I am with him but he is affraid that I will cheat, since he is going to travel... We have some kind of break and meet up in 2 weeks to see whats going to happen.. When hes back we might start dating again. Thankyou for your advice! :)
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Hey! I HAD to comment this! Girl, do not do the whole "best friends" and "hook-up" buddy thing. I've been there, done that. To me, it seems like you still care about this guy and spending time with him is okay, but hooking up is going to mean more to you than it does to him and it will hurt you A LOT. Trust me, I've done this with an ex for about a year and now when i look back on it, i feel so stupid but most of all, so used to the point where I can't even stand to be around him. It's hard to lose someone that was once so close to you and someone you share a lot of memories and someone that you know inside and out, but it'll be a better outcome, i promise you this. So I would just stay friends but try not to hook up with him, it's just a road to heartbreak. <3 Hope this helped!
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If she is going off to college perhaps it is better to leave this guy alone. I think we all had a guy we really liked (or thought we loved?) in high school and even the thought of trying to leave those feelings behind and find someone new in college seemed impossible. But it is the perfect opportunity to start anew and meet even more people! You really don't realize what love is until you find it.
I remember when my high school boyfriend and I broke up (he did the same thing to me as to our friend in the post!) I really thought there was no possible way I could ever feel as strongly for someone else as I did for him. However, college came around and we went our seperate ways and not long into my freshman year I met the man who I'm now about to marry. I thought I loved that high school boy, but I really had no idea what love even was until I met my fiance.
Chin up, honey. Always remember that boys will come and go and break your heart but your girlfriends and your family aren't going anywhere. I bet that silly boy doesn't even realize who he is losing to the wide wonderful world of college!
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Who is he to tell you what to do? Like he is the only one involved in this matter? No, of course not. Typically; not thinking about how you feel. You should tell him, either you like it or not. It will make everything clear for you and of course, every break-up is hard, but it is not worth your time and effort to stay in this "relationship". What is that kind of relationship, between either boyfriend and girlfriend or either bestfriends: hookups but without feelings involved... Like that is possible after 10 months relationship........ It's bull****. My advice: dump him and move on, how hard it sounds.. In college there will be lots of (intelligent) guys who are worth the effort!
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you are too young for getting upset about some boy. come on you are just 18 years old. don't you wanna date other guys? enjoy life and relationships not suffer them. in college you will have a lot of guys. boys come and go! that's just life.
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I agree that he is honestly communicating his feelings. And you are both going off to college- you will meet so many new people there and have so many experiences! It sounds like he still wants to stay BEST friends with you right now- personally I think that sounds amazing! You are too young to get serious yet- but as a post college girl I can tell you that more than a few of my friends are now married to high school sweethearts that they REMAINED GOOD FRIENDS with! If you like him hang out with him and enjoy it. If you like him so much and can't cope with it being casual than it might be time to call it quits- especially if its going to lead you to act crazy (not that I have been there!). As for him not wanting you to see anyone else- if he is still seeing others , then he is a jerk. If neither of you are seeing others, but keeping it casual- it sounds like you might have a fun summer and time to get ready for all the FUN that you are about to have in COLLEGE----soooo muuuuuch fuuuuuuun!!!!!
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I totally agree with Jennifer! I kept looking for the like button and then I remembered this isn't Facebook... lol but seriously he's asking you to stay single so he can hook up with you when he feels like it? And it's great that he told you how he was feeling at all but still, you were the one who had to ask him about it because he couldn't be a man and communicate with you.
Moral of the story: You are a smart girl who DESERVES BETTER! There are so many more guys out there. Let this one go. Maybe he'll realize how good he had it and come back. If not, there are always other guys out there who actually have a brain :)
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